The Slippery Slope Toward Baseball Anarchy...

By Sean Chercover

With all the trouble in the world, it is my unhappy duty to call your attention to a matter of international importance. A matter that must be resolved if we are to continue enjoying the quality of life that we so often take for granted.

It's time to address the disturbing trend of Baseball Uniform Anarchy.

Not so long ago, baseball uniforms made sense. The was a Home Uniform, which was white (with or without pinstripes). And there was a Road Uniform, of a darker color.

You could tell at a glance which was the Home team and which was the Visiting team...even if you had been drinking. It was a good system.

But that system has gone to hell, with the introduction of the 'alternate' uniform. The 'alternate' uniform was invented by Satanic Demons who toil in Major League Baseball's marketing department.

It happened in a brainstorming session that went like this:
Satanic Demon #1: "How can we pry more money from the wallets of those suckers-- uh, I mean baseball fans?"
Satanic Demon #2: "We could raise ticket prices and charge fans to listen to games over the Internet."
Satanic Demon #1: "Already in the works. Got anything else?"
Satanic Demon #2: "Maybe we could come up with a totally unnecessary 'alternate' uniform. Then, fans who already own the Home and Road jerseys will have to shell out another 80 bones for a third polyester shirt."
Satanic Demon #1: "Brilliant! Truly Satanic!"

I can't tell you how I know what was said in this meeting. Let's just say I have my sources. What's important here (beyond the fact that MLB has Satanic Demons in its employ) is that we now have 'alternate' uniforms which are unsightly, confusing and break MLB's own rules.

The entirety of Major League Baseball's uniform rule (1.11) is too large to print here, but you can read it for yourself on their Web site. The part that concerns us is subsection B:

1.11
(b) A league may provide that (1) each team shall wear a distinctive uniform at all times, or (2) that each team shall have two sets of uniforms, white for home games and a different color for road games.

There it is. A team may choose a distinctive uniform and wear it at all times, or a white uniform at home and a different color for the road. That's it. There is no third option.

When confronted with this travesty, a source within the MLB fortress says, "Yeah, I know...that's the uniform rule in the rulebook, but they've gotten pretty loose with it."

Perhaps you think I'm making too much of this issue. Shame on you. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty, and so it is with baseball. Sure, it starts with something innocuous like the uniform rule. But pretty soon they'll be handing out steroids in the clubhouse and giving pitchers a jar of Vaseline to take out to the mound. It's a slippery slope.

And it's a slope we've been sliding down for too long. Remember all the talk of a "new" strike zone? There was nothing new about it; it was sitting there in the rulebook, ignored, for years. And while the geniuses at MLB are trying to figure out ways to speed up the game, there's another perfectly good rule that, if enforced, would do exactly that.

8.04
When the bases are unoccupied, the pitcher shall deliver the ball to the batter within 20 seconds after he receives the ball. Each time the pitcher delays the game by violating this rule, the umpire shall call "Ball." The intent of this rule is to avoid unnecessary delays. The umpire shall insist that the catcher return the ball promptly to the pitcher, and that the pitcher take his position on the rubber promptly. Obvious delay by the pitcher should instantly be penalized by the umpire.

That's the rule, but have you ever seen an umpire call "Ball" when the pitcher takes more than 20 seconds to deliver a pitch? Me neither. Instead, they deal with the pitcher's tardiness by allowing the batter to step out of the box and reset, which wastes even more time. If the rule were enforced, it would certainly speed up the game (and might send Steve Trachsel off in search of another career). So why is this rule (like the uniform rule) ignored?

"It's in place to be enforced. But it's up to the umpires to call it," says my MLB source. I remind him that the rule is not optional. It says, "...the umpire shall call 'Ball'."

"Look, I don't want to get into this, and don't quote me," he responds. Then he hangs up.

So there can be no argument about the relative importance of various rules. Enforce them all, including the uniform rule, or slide headfirst into Baseball Anarchy and embrace the ugly consequences.

In the forward to the Major League Baseball rulebook, the importance of this issue is stated with eloquence: "Baseball not only has maintained its position as the National Game of the United States, but also has become an International Game being played in seventy seven countries. Its popularity will grow only as long as its players, managers, coaches, umpires and administrative officers respect the discipline of its code of rules."

The 'alternate' uniform is a striking visual symbol of how Major League Baseball ignores its own rules and its own good advice.